A WORD on the Surprising Similarities Between Computers and Significant Others

Recently I got out of a very painful and abusive relationship.

It was a relationship in which I was constantly undermined. My needs always came second. I did everything I could in my half of the relationship to make it work, but I was ever aware that I was clearly not the one wearing the pants. That's why I felt a mix of utter devastation and relief when my partner finally broke it off with me this past Wednesday night. I won't deny that I hadn't seen it coming and had gone to drastic measures to try and prevent it, but after a huge "blow out" (nearly literally) my old Compaq Presario Crap-Top made it evident that it was over between the two of us. Even in that last hour I fought like a mad woman to stop it from ending...I pressed F8 to go to basic start up, I even did Quick Restore on the system. Alas, after three years, the screen went permanently blank.

Do you ever notice how break ups often occur at entirely inappropriate times in your life? Break ups piggy-back Valentine's Day, or one of your birthdays, or when one of the pair is going through a rough time because of a job, or a sick family member, or some other extraneous but equally excruciating life trial. This break up was no exception as it happened the night before my 25th birthday. I'd had an away message all planned to leave up on my birthday (it was a quote on aging from Garfield, because I'm still somewhat wistful about it and need to at least mention it here). In a strange and morbid way, a break up sometimes feels like a death has occurred. This person is somewhat suddenly no longer in your life and in the immediate time period following the Zero Hour you are tortured with random and terrible realizations of the basic things you just lost..."crap, we had tickets for such and such next month!" or, as in my situation, "#$%@! I lost Microsoft Office..."

As I mentioned earlier, however, my relationship with my Compaq was rocky from the start. It began very suddenly in the Fall of 2002 when I was trying to begin my Senior year of college. My old lap top (which, coincedentally, was also a Compaq) had passed away of old age (just think of me as Anna Nicole Smith in this relationship). In the end, it would only function in 'safe mode' and I could barely see anything. I was in dire straits. I couldn't start Senior year without being in an electronic relationship with a computer, I was an English major for goodness sake! After several emergency phone calls to my father, he came to the rescue and 'set me up' with a lap top that he met on his travels in Circuit City. Lots had happened in computer technology since I'd gotten my last lap top (Windows XP?! What is THIS?! My God, it's GORGEOUS!) so when I brought it home to my college apartment, it was a happy day.

Right from the beginning it was clear that as a pair we were not compatible, however. It took me weeks to figure out how to get the school internet network to work with my new beau. After weeks of a terrible connection, I finally figured out that it was a matter of flipping a switch. You'd think Mr Computer-Close-Mouth could have said something to alert me of that, but nooooo. Real problems began when I began watching DVDs on the lap top. The heat generated from the player fried the hard drive. This was extremely frustrating because I'd been using the computer to do something it had told me, even INVITED me, to do and now it was the root of something that was extremely wrong in the relationship. Thus, in April of my senior year (and I have one word to say about the timing of this: FINALS), me and Compaq took a little break. I stayed in Fairfield and got by with the company of my roommate's Toshiba (who was most comforting) for the papers I had to write in the meantime...and he, he took a vacation. He went to visit Compaq family in Texas where he rested, had a spa-computer-cleaning, talked trash about me, and got a new hard drive and key board. When the bastard came back, he had a tan.

But hey, as that evil '70s song says, we gotta "love the one we're with." I gritted my teeth and me and Compaq moved our relationship back to my hometown: New York City. Having weathered something so serious though meant that something essential had gone from our relationship: trust. I never trusted that thing again from the day I first turned on the computer during Senior year and saw four extremely perverse words: OPERATING SYSTEM NOT FOUND. Quite frankly, it made me utter one word...comprised of four letters. Though I love my father dearly, I had to face the fact that he had set me up with a bad seed. And so throughout the rest of our relationship Compaq would go out into the internet world and come back with all sorts of diseases. He would take FOREVER to do simple things like surf the internet, while my friends were all delighted with their computers that delivered at warp speed. Compaq had me whipped, but I could never muster the strength to stand up for the treatment I deserved from my lap top. We had two more major blow outs which ended in me screaming "Oh yeah?! I'll show your ass! I'll just insert this QUICK RESTORE CD and see what you have to say after that!" Ugh, Itunes always used to get frustrated and ask me what I was still doing with this loser.

I won't deny, however, that I didn't share some of the blame in this tortured relationship. I was a neglectful owner at times, overworking Compaq, making him download and store big heavy files, not shutting him down properly, and (maybe, once or twice) giving him the finger. I think we all know that there are always two sides to every relationship, and I have quite diplomatically admitted that there were several areas in which I could have tried to improve.

The other essential thing is this: though Compaq made me shed a lot of tears, I learned invaluable things from being with him. When he was sick Senior year, I was on the phone very frequently with Compaq tech support being talked through many trouble-shooting techniques. As a result of this, I'm a much more computer-savvy person than I would have been had I not had to endure this. Recently, at work, a major new processing system was introduced which is much more modern than our old one and its been experiencing many problems. Because I've survived the worst of what a computer can dish out, I have proven to be very comfortable with this system, and my willingness to teach my coworkers is greatly helping my career. Thus, a coworker and I will sit with it and I'll tell him or her, "use that mouse with CONFIDENCE, this damn system can sense fear!!" The analogy to romantic relationships is obvious. Even the worst ones help us to grow and become more confident and dignified people. We wouldn't be who we are without them, and, dare I say it, there will come a time when we even have feelings of thankfulness for the person/people we got away from.

BUT, moving on is important too. As stated before, I could sense the end of me and Compaq's relationship was coming soon, and about six weeks ago I happened to be strutting through Best Buy when I decided on a whim just to look in the lap top section to see what was on the market. I spied a Toshiba winking at me, so I stepped up to investigate and immediately liked what I saw. I brought the cover down to see what it looked like closed and discovered that the cover is TEAL, and it was love at first sight. I sadly told it that I was already in a relationship, however, but walked away with it still very much on my brain. I visited a few more times in the coming weeks, though, and took a few other lap tops out on dates as well. The Toshiba looked better and better, and when I found it on SALE at Circuit City, my mouth was watering. After Compaq left, I got through my birthday putting my sadness over him in the back of my mind. The next day I skittered over to Circuit City to see if, please please, the sale was still valid: there was ONE day left. Though some may say I moved too quickly, I am now in a new relationship which is going very well. He connected to the internet with incredible ease. I have also been markedly better in my end of the relationship thus far, having installed Norton products on him. As a result, he never hostilely throws pop-ups at me, and is so considerate. He always tells me when there is a virus threatening me. We are a team, he and I. Do I miss Compaq? Of course I do. We went through a lot together. It has also taken a great deal to get used to a smaller keyboard and the absence of, or different location of certain keys and functions (do NOT take this analogy where you want to right now!). But overall, I definitely feel very positive about my future with Toshiba. Yes, Toshiba!! I'm talking about you to my readers!! Don't worry, you're getting a rave, they can't WAIT to meet you! In continuing my end of the deal, I've promised Toshiba I won't download crap and that I'll always shut him down according to Windows procedure.

Ok, we're going to go cuddle now.